Personal Stories - MJ

As an autonomous SAA fellowship, we have the freedom to post locally-written personal stories that have not received SAA conference approval. This is a precious gift. Since we are enjoying this level of freedom, it should be noted that the views expressed in these writings are those of the author, and may not reflect those of the Eugene SAA Intergroup, or SAA as a whole. We will be posting more stories as they become available. If you would like to share your personal story with us, please don’t hesitate to contact us.

For as long as I can remember I have been addicted to men…but not the nurturing ones….they scared me and gave me a sick feeling inside. I was addicted to men who I had to chase. These were the ones who offered just a scent of romance or love and then started backing away. They were completely irresistible to me. I was utterly powerless not to pursue them. If I could finally get them to love me then I would know that I was loveable. It didn’t matter to me if I or they were in a committed relationship. I honestly could not stop myself from pursuing them if there was mutual attraction. It became more important than anything else in my life including my children who I loved with all my heart.

This addiction destroyed my marriage. I blamed my husband for not meeting my needs which justified my having affairs. I thought our marriage was loveless and hopeless. This addiction created so much pain for me I thought I was going insane. I got to the point where I couldn’t sleep or function well. The obsessions drained me of my energy and consumed my waking hours. Through the help of another 12 Step program and a loving sponsor I was able to stop dating for a year. The emotional agony began to subside. I started feeling peaceful. That gave me time to heal myself and begin to discover who I was and how to start nurturing myself emotionally. But still, I could feel the old behavior creeping back in. I was scared. I didn’t know who to talk to about this. No one seemed to understand.

A friend of mine gave me a booklet from Sex Addicts Anonymous. They were stories that other people wrote. They sounded just like me. But I was afraid to go to a meeting. I was afraid they would all be perverted men who would try to put the make on me or even worse…I would try to put the make on them.

Something in me pushed me to go. I have never stopped going to those meetings ever since. I got a sponsor, went to a lot of meetings and worked the 12 steps of Sex Addicts Anonymous. Today my life has completely changed. I now know the difference between sex addiction and love. Real love does not make me feel sick today. I can love and receive love. My husband and I have remarried and our family is whole again. SAA gave me my life back. I tear up every time I think about what it has done for me. It has given me joy, peace, self esteem and love. All the things I was constantly seeking but pushing further away with every step.

Wishing every reader blessings and love, MJS